As you relate with your aging parents, it may feel awkward or uncomfortable to bring up the topic of death or incapacity. Although such a discussion may be difficult to start, we encourage you to consider checking in with your parents about whether they have an estate plan and understanding their wishes for the time of their passing. Even if it is nobody’s favorite conversation topic, such a conversation can end up paying dividends in the years to come.
At the time of a loved one’s death, life can feel chaotic. Very often, surviving loved ones feel stressed as they search for important documents (like original estate planning documents) as well as information about the assets owned by the deceased at the time of their death. In some cases, unwelcome surprises and disappointed expectations can work to drive family members apart.
If you feel it is appropriate given your relationship with your parents, a conversation sooner rather than later could make it much more likely that their wishes are understood and will help you more easily carry out those wishes.
How to Start the Conversation
Choose the right time and tone to have your conversation. Holiday gatherings, family reunions, and already busy days are not ideal for beginning this conversation. Come from a place of support and practicality, addressing both what they would like to happen, and some practical steps of carrying it out. Tactful comments and questions, such as, “I want to make sure we know your wishes if something unexpected happens” and “Have you already put together legal documents, or is that something you still want to do?” can set the stage for what you are asking and your motivations for doing so.
Consider starting the conversation with the acknowledgment that this conversation is difficult both for you and for them. Not only is it uncomfortable to think about the death of someone close, but it is often most difficult to think about your own death. Emphasize that you care about them and their wishes instead of focusing on the morbidity. This should come out of a place of love and care for them.
Next, focus more on knowing what their wishes are and how to carry them out than on specific possessions. The goal of this conversation should not be what percentage of the pie you are getting, or about a specific valuable you would like, but about bringing peace of mind to all involved. Ideally, this conversation would help avoid confusion about their wishes, which can help prevent conflicts.
Questions to Ask Your Parents
As the conversation continues, ask simple questions including whether they have estate planning documents, who would be handling the administration of the plan, where the important documents are kept, and for a list of important contacts such as family, close friends, and professionals such as their attorney. It is also important to ask not only about their wishes at their death, but also at the time of any incapacity. If needed, encourage them to organize their important papers and to note where you can find them when the time comes. As you probe further, focus on listening and collaborating to find the best solutions rather than controlling the narrative.
Depending on the situation, you may want to suggest that your parents visit an estate planning attorney to either update or create estate planning documents. We would love to help answer any questions you have and help you all on your journey to a solid estate plan.
Finally, if you are a parent who has not initiated this conversation with your adult children, we hope this post may serve as a helpful template for how you can do so. Although this can be a difficult conversation, it can produce tremendous peace and unity both in the present, and as you all look to the future.